Birchbox April 2016 Review

My Birchbox, a monthly array of things I don’t really need, arrived on my doorstep last night!

In this box, I received:

Nexxus Youth Renewal Rejuvenating Elixir (0.14 oz/4mL), approximate retail value $3.00

The Birchbox style profiles are a source of constant confusion. What reasonable individual thinks a lady in her early twenties needs something to combat hair aging? With skincare you can at least make the (albeit silly) argument that it is preventative. My hair, on the other hand, is going to be chopped off next time I get bored. (Furthermore, lovely locks are hardly in need of additional youthfulness.)

Birchbox claims that this “rejuvenating elixir is packed with some of nature’s best hydrators, including argan and soybean oils. Keratin and wheat protein add strength and shampoo commercial-worthy bounciness.” So, in other words, it does nothing. Oil and wheat proteins are fine for your hair, but don’t need to be purchased in tiny eyedroppers for absurd prices. We’ve already established that keratin hair products are one big old pile of placebo.

Still, I got the product, so I decided to use it. This product is the exact color and consistency of semen. I am not totally convinced that I put anything other than some dude’s ejaculation in my hair. After all, who calls their product an “elixir” unless it’s made up of bull gravy? That would be weird. The only thing differentiating it from manjuice is how much it smells like a haircut at Great Clips.

LaFace Laboratories PUR Purifying Face Wash (0.1oz/3mL), approximate retail value $0.64
This packaging for this sample makes it feel exactly like getting a free sample at Sephora… except that I didn’t get to choose what I got.

The claims on this citrus-scented product are so absurd that I may need to do a Beauty Bullshit post on it, lest my eyes roll so hard that they pop out. “Copper encourages collagen production”?! No. No. No. That is not how science works, guys. I am going to be in the corner weeping in frustration.

(Say what you will about Birchbox, they give me great fodder for Beauty Bullshit posts.)

Folle de Joie eau de parfum (0.06oz/2mL), approximate retail value $1.73

Perfume samples are rarely a reason to jump for joy. However, for a perfume sample, this is pretty acceptable. It smells like a ladylike leather with some pepper and floral notes.

Mirenesse Glossy Kiss in Flirty Kiss (0.15oz/4g), approximate retail value $26.55

Getting a full sized sample always warms my shriveled, frozen heart. This bright red is gorgeously colored and spectacularly long lasting (I don’t have photo evidence, but it lasts well over four hours).

Simple Revitalizing Eye Roll-on (0.5oz/15mL), approximate retail value $10.99

This product is supposedly able to eliminate puffy eyes and dark circles using Vitamin B5, cucumber extract, and glycerin. I wasn’t aware of any evidence that Vitamin B5 has any topical effects for skincare. I looked it up… and there is no empirical evidence suggesting that it has any such effect. The other two ingredients that they boast about, cucumber extract and glycerin, are the least special things in the world. My guess is that this product simply works as a not-very-effective moisturizer. Just use your regular moisturizer. It will be fine.

That being said, I am glad I received this product. It is cooling, and the cooling sensation lasts longer than putting cold water under your eyes (I checked). As a lady who frequently has to work when extremely sleep-deprived, this was a surprisingly effective way to keep me awake, preventing me from collapsing onto my laptop.

(Plus I get to feel fancy for having two full sized products in my Birchbox.)

Total Box Value: $42.91

A $42.91 value is pretty on its own is pretty satisfying, especially after some disappointing recent boxes. And now, for the kicker:
So I guess Birchbox signed me up for Women’s Health for no reason. However, if you turn in this card telling them not to bother, they’ll give you a $9.99 refund.

In other words, my box cost $0.01.

Absurd claims aside, I am quite satisfied with this box.

If you are interested in trying Birchbox, you are, of course, more than welcome to use my referral link by clicking here.

1. The lip pencil looks awesome on you!

2. Thank you!

3. I didn’t get the lip pencil, and I am so crushed. I wanted that thing so darn bad…

4. Oh no! Especially since, judging by the reviews, tons of people didn’t appreciate it.

5. I’m canceling my birchbox after this month. They never get better than mediocre for me. I got the lip thing, in glossy kiss -pink- and I like it a lot. Everything else fits in my palm.. At the same time. The tiniest sample of supergoop eye cream, 2ml and the tube was basically empty. Plus, the sample didn’t have a metal ‘cooling’ applicator like the full size. Then, I got tea. I like tea, but I want make up! Next was a small sample of hair oil. This seems to be a super trendy thing, since I have 5 different samples By different brands. And last was a small sample of perfume that smells like oranges, and doesn’t even have a spray top.

I’m just done. You box looks better, by far. I’m going to find something to use my 118 points on tomorrow, and cancel. I need to remember to cancel that magazine too, if I can find my birchbox conformation number to send in. Thanks for another great blog post!

6. I like Birchbox because they occasionally send me products I wouldn’t have tried but am interested in purchasing full sized, but it’s definitely not right for anyone who just wants fun new goodies to try out!

7. I’ve had it for 7 months, and been disappointed the last 5. I did my beauty profile thing, and keep getting items I won’t use. I bite my nails (bad, I know, but it’s a habit I can’t seem to break.) last box I got 3 nail related items, and a headband. :/ I like trying new things, but it’s just not what I thought I would be. Especially when I see others getting products I would love! I subscribe to sample society too, and love them. I feel like the sizes and quality are just all around better. I do like the birchbox point system, but getting products I won’t use, or are too similar to other boxes is just annoying.

8. Maybe you have already, but I don’t remember seeing it – but I would love if you did a review of sunscreens or other products with SPF. I have yet to find a good sunscreen that doesn’t make my face and body feel sticky or gloopy, and mostly disgusting.