Birchbox April 2016 Review
In this box, I received:
Nexxus Youth Renewal Rejuvenating Elixir (0.14 oz/4mL), approximate retail value $3.00
The Birchbox style profiles are a source of constant confusion. What reasonable individual thinks a lady in her early twenties needs something to combat hair aging? With skincare you can at least make the (albeit silly) argument that it is preventative. My hair, on the other hand, is going to be chopped off next time I get bored. (Furthermore, lovely locks are hardly in need of additional youthfulness.)
Birchbox claims that this “rejuvenating elixir is packed with some of nature’s best hydrators, including argan and soybean oils. Keratin and wheat protein add strength and shampoo commercial-worthy bounciness.” So, in other words, it does nothing. Oil and wheat proteins are fine for your hair, but don’t need to be purchased in tiny eyedroppers for absurd prices. We’ve already established that keratin hair products are one big old pile of placebo.
Still, I got the product, so I decided to use it. This product is the exact color and consistency of semen. I am not totally convinced that I put anything other than some dude’s ejaculation in my hair. After all, who calls their product an “elixir” unless it’s made up of bull gravy? That would be weird. The only thing differentiating it from manjuice is how much it smells like a haircut at Great Clips.
LaFace Laboratories PUR Purifying Face Wash (0.1oz/3mL), approximate retail value $0.64
This packaging for this sample makes it feel exactly like getting a free sample at Sephora… except that I didn’t get to choose what I got.
The claims on this citrus-scented product are so absurd that I may need to do a Beauty Bullshit post on it, lest my eyes roll so hard that they pop out. “Copper encourages collagen production”?! No. No. No. That is not how science works, guys. I am going to be in the corner weeping in frustration.
(Say what you will about Birchbox, they give me great fodder for Beauty Bullshit posts.)
Folle de Joie eau de parfum (0.06oz/2mL), approximate retail value $1.73
Perfume samples are rarely a reason to jump for joy. However, for a perfume sample, this is pretty acceptable. It smells like a ladylike leather with some pepper and floral notes.
Mirenesse Glossy Kiss in Flirty Kiss (0.15oz/4g), approximate retail value $26.55
Getting a full sized sample always warms my shriveled, frozen heart. This bright red is gorgeously colored and spectacularly long lasting (I don’t have photo evidence, but it lasts well over four hours).
Simple Revitalizing Eye Roll-on (0.5oz/15mL), approximate retail value $10.99
This product is supposedly able to eliminate puffy eyes and dark circles using Vitamin B5, cucumber extract, and glycerin. I wasn’t aware of any evidence that Vitamin B5 has any topical effects for skincare. I looked it up… and there is no empirical evidence suggesting that it has any such effect. The other two ingredients that they boast about, cucumber extract and glycerin, are the least special things in the world. My guess is that this product simply works as a not-very-effective moisturizer. Just use your regular moisturizer. It will be fine.
That being said, I am glad I received this product. It is cooling, and the cooling sensation lasts longer than putting cold water under your eyes (I checked). As a lady who frequently has to work when extremely sleep-deprived, this was a surprisingly effective way to keep me awake, preventing me from collapsing onto my laptop.
(Plus I get to feel fancy for having two full sized products in my Birchbox.)
Total Box Value: $42.91
A $42.91 value is pretty on its own is pretty satisfying, especially after some disappointing recent boxes. And now, for the kicker:
So I guess Birchbox signed me up for Women’s Health for no reason. However, if you turn in this card telling them not to bother, they’ll give you a $9.99 refund.
In other words, my box cost $0.01.
Absurd claims aside, I am quite satisfied with this box.