Birchbox July 2016 Review

I need to stop watching tracking information. It’ll be good for my blood pressure. Now, I watch my tracking info like a hawk, and it’s frequently quite baffling. “WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN PASCO?!” I find myself screaming at the computer.

Luckily, my Birchbox did finally make its merry way into my grasp. Here’s what it contained:

100% Pure Green Apple Nourishing Body Cream (0.198 oz), approximate retail value $0.37
If you would desperately like to smell like Jolly Ranchers, this is the body lotion for you! I don’t know why Birchbox sent three of the same scent, since they clearly have samples of the other scents as well. Unfortunately, I found the smell thoroughly distasteful and incredibly juvenile.

The product is also very thick and greasy. Birchbox brags that this product does not contain water. You know what? I want my moisturizers to have water in them! This is like rubbing molasses mixed with canola oil on your legs.

Benefit Cosmetics Girl Meets Pearl (0.25 oz), approximate retail value $18.75
This is by far the best sample that I received in my box. Unfortunately, it’s a sample of a product that I already own. Is it Birchbox’s fault that they failed to stalk my Sephora purchasing history and I consequentially found myself with a sample of something that I am incredibly familiar with? No. Am I still bitter?… Maybe.
Girl Meets Pearl is a luminizer that smells remarkably similar to scented Magic Markers. (Given the body lotion, I can only assume that the person who picked out the scents in my box desperately wanted me to re-live my childhood). It provides a subtle, pearlescent glow when applied. I really like this product, which is why I already fucking purchased it.
Benefit Girl Meets Pearl on Human Face

The sample size is missing the weird set of holes for product to ooze out (which is what happens in the full size) and instead uses a more traditional tube. This is good news for anyone with trypophobia. (If you do not know what trypophobia is, do NOT google image search it. This is not a joke. Don’t do it.)

Number 4 Super Comb Prep & Protect (estimated 0.75 oz), approximate retail value $3.55
This product is a leave-in conditioner. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to have any effect on my hair at all. Conditioner usually leaves my hair super sleek and soft, but there was no such effect here.

The Birchbox website suggests that the scent is floral, but it smells more like rubber cement to me. Thus, using it was like spraying rubber cement-scented water in my hair.

Benta Berry G-1 Moisturizing Face Cream (0.16 oz), approximate retail value $3.52
I just can’t figure out why this moisturizer is special. There is literally nothing to say about it.

Birchbox Bobby Pins (2), approximate retail value $1.67

These bobby pins and nice, cute, and super sturdy. They definitely effectively hold your hair in place. So, you know. They do the job. Whatever.

Total Box Value: $27.86

Although this is a totally acceptable box value, the value drops dramatically without Girl Meets Pearl, the product that I already own. Instead of $27.86, the box is worth a mere $9.11, less than the $10 I paid for it. Since I’m feeling pretty “meh” about the other products I got, I’m definitely dissatisfied.

Given the points system and given the fact that this would have been a good box if I have never tried Girl Meets Pearl, I can’t complain too much. I will just have to drown my sorrows by picking up a free eyeliner with my hoarded points. May next month be more successful.

If you find yourself filled with a compelling desire to give Birchbox a chance, feel free to use my referral link here.


1. Despite fair warning, I googled trypophobia. Cannot unsee that image.

2. You’ll forget it… eventually…

3. Yep – image permanently burned into psyche. Do not google. Go with instead.

4. I am REALLY GLAD I didn’t google that. Thank you Stephanie Paff. >_>

5. With every review, I’m more grateful I discontinued my birchbox subscription. Thanks for letting me know I’m not missing out!

6. I was thinkIng the exact same thing! I was worried boxes would be awesome after I canceled, but nothing has made me regret it so far. Some stuff looks ok, like the highlighter, but I have 6 highlighters, including the other benefit one. Not missing out at all. I wish Ipsy had a point system like birchbox though.

7. Woohoo, we got the same box this time. I ended up getting coconut cream, though, which ended up smelling like sugar cookies in a bad way. Birchbox, y u like this cream?!

I did like the Benta Berry face cream, though. My skin is super oily and it actually left it pretty matte during the day, which was amazing. It’s a bit too thick for summer time use, though.

7. 100% Pure employees clearly need to work on their smelling skills.

8. Fear of lots of tiny holes or circles or something right? And there’s that “rash” picture? :shivers: I am glad I unsubscribed from Birchbox. I like the bigger samples from Ipsy, even if they aren’t as “luxury” because I typically cannot afford to spend more than $10 on anything, hah.

9. Yeah, it definitely depends on what you’re looking to get from a subscription box!

10. I wish I had gotten the Benefit (although next month I’ll get my Sephora birthday gift that includes a Watts Up, so maybe that’s enough). I got box 15 which includes THE WORLD’S TINIEST BLUSH SAMPLE. It is the size of a dime (I am not exaggerating; I put a dime next to it to compare) and thus impossible to try to apply like a normal person. I was actually hoping you would get this sample because I knew you’d have some choice words for it.

11. Ha! Glad to know people are rooting for me to get crappy stuff with the hopes that I’ll make snarky comments about it 😉

12. Hey! I am a new reader of your blog and I absolutely love it, especially the beauty bullsh*t posts where you look at the actual science of touted commercial products. I wonder if you could do one on Clinique’s repairwear serum, which purports to repair UV damage to the skin? Is that even possible?

13. I’ll look into it!

14. Have you used That Girl? It’s a Benefit product that comes in a similar tube as the full sized Girl Meets Pearl, but it’s a “luminizing primer” or something like that. The idea of putting on a luminizer under your foundation seems a little weird to me… wouldn’t your foundation cover up any of the luminizing properties? If you’ve used it, do you know if it works?

15. I’m actually about 90% sure that I have sample of that somewhere…

16. I googled it, is it bad that I find it weirdly intriguing?

17. Just don’t be posting those pictures to your facebook.